demolishon man

Poor circulation leads to cold finger and toes.
Youapos;d think with my heart beating so fast blood would be rushing throughout my whole body then back to my heart quicker than I could track my pulse.
But as it is I am sweating with cold feet.

You calm me down.
Even breaths and slow beats.
You hold me tight and keep me warm.
You silence the pounding in my head and the shaking of my hands.
And I am at a loss for words.

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How can one believe in their own good when in the past people consistently crushed oneapos;s self esteem?� Thatapos;s the question I am trying to figure out. No matter how good people tell me I am (in all aspects), I just canapos;t accept it. I donapos;t remind myself of the good. I just hear the haters telling me that I am not good enough. I guess it was so drilled in at very pivotal points of my life, its what I believe. To the point that I feel I sabotage my own progress. I subconsciously do things that reinforce the negative thoughts. Then I prove myself right... Oh I wasnapos;t good enough. Thatapos;s why I failed. But no, my thoughts of myself arenapos;t good enough. Thatapos;s why I fail. Emotionally, professionally insecure. I donapos;t know how to stop it. I motivate everyone else to be their best. But when its my time, I just donapos;t. Before I was saying how the nature of my work is temporary. Everyone was let go yesterday. Except me 4 others. And of the four, I am the only one functioning on both remaining teams. That says a lot. But here I sit today doubting that I belong here. Feeling like the others are smarter. Wondering what made them keep me. Is it Iapos;m pretty?� Of course not. Its because of my abilities. But I still donapos;t feel confident. Iapos;ve always excelled in just about everything Iapos;ve done. But not in my mind. My mom was a perfectionist. Maybe I feel like I still donapos;t measure up because there was never any pleasing her. And I chose partners with similar hang ups. Thus confirming what my mother had always made me feel... Iapos;m just not good enough. My boss said I need to work on my confidence. He says its the only way to make it in this world. So, where do I get that?� When do I start to believe and understand that I am destined for great things, but only when I start really believing in myself. Iapos;m always surrounded by haters. I attract what I am. They and me hate on me equally. Hmm. I must do better and see myself for the wonderful dynamic woman that everyone else sees.

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I got out of work around 4:30. Went to Walmart which consisted of SCREAMING kids and even some screaming ADULTS (they were yelling across the store for each other. WHO does that????) Anyways..this was at the GHETTO Walmart that I hateeeeeee. I just didnapos;t feel like going down to the nice one.

SO I bought lots of Halloweenie stuff...some more decorations, plates, napkins, cups, sodas, water, chips, candy...etc....

Then met Mikey for a slice of Pizza at Leonardos.

Then we went to Shoprite to do our usual foodshopping. Cost us a fortune and we barely got anything. Grrrrrr.

AND NO ONE HAD PEANUT BUTTER MMs. WHERE ARE THEY???? I need to put them out in candy dishes tomorrow night.

Anyways....I innocently "flirted" with the guy at Dairy Queen so he would give me extra Reeses on the side for Mikeyapos;s Blizzard and extra pumpkin pieces on the side with my Pumpkin Pie Blizzard. Weeeeeeee He gave it to me for free Nice guy

Came home, unpacked everything...then the crappy part began...we scrubbbbbbbed everything...cleaned EVERYTHING...ugh. It took awhile but the apartment looks great (not our bedroom....we stuck a lot of crap in here for now haha)

My bathroom smells NEW and Bleachy haha

Then we began decorating. Tomorrow night is my Halloweenie get together. Even though people will only be here for an hour and a half before we all head out to the hayride...we knew we wanted it decked out for Halloween for the next 2 weeks anyways....

So yeah....we spent like 2 hours decorating. Pics will come soon ;)

Mikeyapos;s creative, I give him that..

Now I haveeee to pass out and get some rest. I have to work 8:30 apos;til 1 tomorrow. Blah. Then come home, do some laundry and FIND PEANUT BUTTER MMs dammit

Oh, and Iapos;m such a big dork..I made goody-bags for my guests. Like Iapos;m 5 years old. LOL But hey, I put the Pumpkin shape Reeses cups in there.....thatapos;s good stuff yo I just wanted to have some fun and give everyone a little treat

And I canapos;t remember if I mentioned or not, but Iapos;m meeting *ALL* the TAPS members on November 30th Weeeeeeeee Itapos;s Mikeyapos;s birthday gift. More on that another time.

Now I NEED SLEEEEEEEEEP

Nite nite

hearts;

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Have any of you braved the cross Rocky Mountain drive during the winter? Iapos;m trying to figure out how to visit some folks back midwest over December, and Iapos;m wondering how it went for you. My car is too "fancy" for chains (something about the clearance of the chain in the wheel well), so Iapos;m wondering how sketchy it can be. Have you braved I-84/I-90/I-80 in the winter? Did it suck? Did you need chains? Should I just suck it up and fly?
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You ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you, how many moments of other peoples lives have we been in, weapos;re we a part of someoneapos;s life when their dreams came true, or were we there when their dreams died. Did we keep trying to get in, as if we were somehow destined to be there, or did the shot take us by surprise. Just think, you could be a big part of someone elseapos;s life, and not even know it.

Undeniably, our apos;what ifsapos; in life are as countless as the raindrops in a pouring rain. Some might have been answered eventually while some might not or wouldnapos;t be ever. Until when are we gonna be running after the mysteries of life? Could we blame those who stayed in the pursuit after theyapos;ve witnessed the others who finally got their answers? Yes, indeed itapos;s unfair. But oh well, WELCOME TO LIFE Lifeapos;s like that after all.

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Hey guys.
Iapos;ve been a member of this community for a little while now and Iapos;ve posted one or two entries but, now I wanted to give a formal introduction.

My name is Mary and I live in Alabama. I grew up eating junk food pretty much as well as not so healthy but, oh so hearty home cooked meals. I never thought twice about what I was actually putting into my body. I thought food was food and when youapos;re hungry you just eat.
The past two years Iapos;d been having issues keeping food down, bloating, constipated...just miserable. And that led me to countless hours of researching what affects certain foods had on the body. And boy was I blown away. I went through many different "diets" to try to figure out which one my body could handle. Bland foods, high fiber diet, easy to digest foods, organic, no dairy products, generally healthy foods...I tried everything to keep me from being sick.
I went to see a doctor and he told me I was anemic and only had like...70 of my blood in me. And that the fact that my blood was low it was affecting the way my organs were acting and that I was under a lot of stress.

After reading and finding out so much about general healthy eating, hfcs, organic living, raw foods, the effects of dairy products, etc. Iapos;ve think Iapos;ve come to the obvious conclusion that food isnapos;t just something I shove into my mouth...it really is fuel for my body. I try to listen to it now and I eat when Iapos;m hungry and I donapos;t when Iapos;m not. But, this is all still so new to me. Iapos;m trying to keep my kitchen stocked with the basic food group items and healthy, good for the body foods. And not buying processed foods. I also kinda got skeezed out on dairy after reading about it. Iapos;ve been interested in the whole natural, raw food idea.

Here lately Iapos;ve mostly been eating chicken, fish, yogurt, rice milk, carnation instant breakfast powder. Thatapos;s pretty much about it for the time being...Iapos;m working on building up my innards first and getting them going right. I loveeee fruits and veggies but, unfortunately Iapos;m having some issues with them. Especially the more acidic ones.

The only grocery stores we have where I live are Food World, Winn-Dixie, and Wal-mart. I practically grew up in Wal-Mart so thatapos;s where I buy my groceries. I started taking the time to actually look and read labels instead of going straight to what I knew. I even spent 3 1/2 hours just browsing and reading and comparing everything. I have never been to a Whole Foods but, there is one 45 minutes from me. And we do have an Aldi now but, Iapos;ve never been there...so I was wondering if anyone could tell me what that place is all about.

I wanted to ask yaapos;ll for advice into this new phase for me. And I had some questions.
What do your diets consist of?
How do you manage to budget your grocery list? (Iapos;ve noticed that organic foods are a tad pricier)
What brands can you suggest?
Does anyone know anything about Aldi?
Can you suggest any websites that might help me out?
Also, Iapos;ve been on the hunt for a nutritional drink but, without milk and so far I havenapos;t been lucky. Does anyone know of anything?

And any other info or tips is appreciated :D

Thank youuuuuuuuuu
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elie larocque

My Thanksgiving weekend included, but was not limited to: friends, family, wine, lots of wine, dancing, eighties bands, birthdays, shoeless walks home, puppies, drives, a beach, cliffs overlooking rivers, tree hugging, bread saving, tea drinking, pita pit, sunshine downtown, girls hangout, rugby watching, hilarious dreams, proposal writing, nail painting, laughter, pumpkin carving, candles, lots of candles, polticis talk and smiles.
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ancient mexican civilizations

Raven ate turkey veggie raviolis tonight. She loved apos;em and ended up shoving them in her mouth faster than i could give them to her.

Iapos;m ready to switch her from bottle to cup. Weapos;re doing it cold turkey and hoping sheapos;ll grasp quickly.

Sheapos;s used her potty once. And weapos;re trying to get her potty trained, her Dr says to start now.

She can say "mama" "dada" "baba" "baby" "cookie" "cracker" can almost say "duck" and sings the apos;h-i-j-kapos; part of the alphabet. Weapos;re trying. ^_^

Robin is growing quickly. Heapos;s over 2 ft long, and weight almost 12 pounds. Iapos;m afraid heapos;s going to be big like Aaron, but heapos;s such an active little bugger, I donapos;t think he will be. Now, we just need him to stop vomiting daily.

He can hold his head up pretty well. ^_^ you sit him up, heapos;ll keep his head straight for a few seconds before it falls forward. He has such a hard time getting it back up that way. (but does great when his head lolls back.)
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